A beautiful day it was here in SLO, it is such a marvelous place to raise kids. Although I love big cities and all they have to offer in terms of music, culture and arts, I am thankful to be out of an environment that could be mistaken for a rat-race, that may be more than I could handle at this moment!

Autumn was able to see the shoe on the other foot today as she joined me on my lovely yearly womanly exam. She had all sorts of questions since of course, they often test for various types of cancer. I had to have blood drawn and blood pressure taken, things so recognizable and routine to Autumn. She kept asking why we were there at another “hospital” and not at one that she was familiar with. It was nice it wasn’t her for once!

Autumn went to visit her preschool for just an hour today, she loved it! It gave me a moment to find a close coffee shop to do some grading, exciting I know! She misses her friends dearly and I cannot wait for the day she can return to them!

On to tomorrow and the lab draw. It should help us have a better picture of her remaining weeks and the road map we’ll create to make it there!

Autumn went with Jeff and the big girls to San Francisco this weekend, they had a blast! Uncle Craig recently purchased a house and they were able to stay with him, visit with his roommates and enjoy the fun of the city including a navy ship tour! I missed my girls so terribly, but I knew they were having fun, and that was wonderful!

Autumn and I are off to the hospital on Tuesday for another, yes ANOTHER checkup! If her numbers look good, then we can finally move onto this next and last phase of her treatment. It will be about 10 week long. I am trying to have patience, but a part of me is just so ready for her to move on, to enjoy preschool again, and to return to “normal” life…ha! Whatever that means!

Oh the politics of a hospital! I suppose any large organization has its trials and tribulations, but gees, really?!? Every time we have traveled though the automatic double doors in the Outpatient Unit at Sierra Hospital, there is an unexpected surprise. I realize that they have been going through computer changes which always take time, but the main issue I have had seems to be with admin. Sure, there are 15 different people who work there on a regular basis, so it feels inconsistent, but everything is IN the computer, shouldn’t that help??

We were finally able to have Autumn’s doctors in Santa Barbara send a “standing order” to the hospital in SLO (Sierra)…which took effect a week ago. This past Monday went without major incident, fabulous! However, when we returned today, we discovered that for one, the pediatric floor was actually closed!! Is that possible? Not a sick kid in SLO…FABULOUS again! Never quite saw that coming. Lora agreed to see us, and I assured her that we were in the system, no problem, easy as pie. BUT…that was not the realized case. We made our way to the second floor only to discover that we were NOT in the system, no paperwork, nothing! UGGHHHH! I had a talk with the Director, she seemed sympathetic, but who knows. Is it because we are in a small hospital in a small town? Not really sure but I do know that it was highly unprofessional and aggravating to say the least. Maybe it’s just me, perhaps I have to let steam off in some way and this is the only way I feel I am able.

We said goodbye to grandma and our cousins this cool overcast morning. Autumn was so sweet wanting them to stay, to continue playing with them. I love how kids make those connections so quickly and so naturally, they seem to really understand that there is something special in kin. She asked, “will we ever see them again?”

This evening, we sat down to read a bit about Steve Jobs and his life. How awkward it was to try to explain to Autumn that he died because he had cancer, but that it was a different kind, a rare type, and that he was a lot older and more fragile than her. Oh, I know she understood that a lot more than I wished she was able to as she is as keen as a grandmother at her young age. I feel like sheltering her from the world, because it feels as though negative thoughts can penetrate one’s soul and create negativity where there shouldn’t be! I feel as though our response to catastrophe, our mental state, can have much to do with the success rate in overcoming an illness. I realize that sometimes nothing can be done, but attitude is worth something, and right now she’s got the right one!!

My Uncle Lloyd and his family drove up to our area yesterday to bring grandma to visit with the girls. It has been such a good time catching up with them and all of their travels, adventures and life experiences. They have lived all over the world including China and most recently Mongolia. As a family, they learn the new language of the area and have done quite well over the past three decades. They have had 9 children, three of whom are still living with them (ages 12, 13 and 16). I am sorry to say I have not kept in touch with them over the years!

Autumn wasn’t quite ready to begin chemo this week; therefore we will have her blood tested on Thursday and if all is well, then begin again on Monday. It’s a LONG day chemo, so I may spend the night on the Sunday before or just leave at 5am on Monday so that she can leave and be in her own cozy bed that night!

Overall, she has had an amazing recovery from this last round of chemo. It has been magnificent to observe that each consecutive round isn’t necessarily worse than the previous as was the case the last three rounds.

"Remember mom, red isn’t here, it’s really just pink" – Autumn’s quote of the day!

PS - Thank you Uncle Bob for my Starbuck’s card, I always love those!

After dropping Sage and Lindsey off at school, Autumn and I headed to the hospital this morning for yet another blood draw! At this point, I almost think Autumn could do it herself. The other week she asked me why we can’t just do this all at home. Why couldn’t I poke her, why do we keep having to go the that hospital? I guess in some cases, the parents do actually do this part. What would have seemed inconceivable to me 7 months ago could actually work today. Isn’t that funny, with enough time and practice, just about anything can become somewhat “normal” for good or bad?

Sometimes I will stop for just one moment, to think about all of this, to really try to take in what is happening, what has happened in the past 7 months. It scares me a bit to do this, to just stop, I’m not very good at that. It occurred to me today that moving and going are what I am good at, I can keep the ball rolling, but I’m not quite sure what to do when it drops. One cannot keep a ball in motion forever (unless of course just shooting through space as we are on planet Earth counts!), therefore I will have to stop at some point and really absorb this entire journey. I envision Autumn a teenager asking what these years were all about, what happened, what was it all like? I hope that at the very least, writing some of this down will help her understand what her life was like as a four year old with cancer. It would be nice if it could help her in any way.

We have become close with the nurses at Sierra, we especially enjoy Lora and her lovely assistant Hilary. Lora gets the job done and does it well, but she also respects Autumn, she gives her a little space when needed. Autumn still has to take a moment before each poke. Her latest request has been to see a nurse dance, she just wants to have them dance! Ha, too funny!! Most oblige willingly but a few just laugh. It is remarkable what we will do in the presence of a young one in need.

We continue to receive wonderful cards and gifts from people every week, Autumn has quite the collection going! She adores it, just marvels in all of this love from everyone. I cannot thank you enough for keeping her in your hearts!

Autumn had a great weekend. We attended the tail end of an art show at LA Live downtown. The kids had a blast running around at the top of the structure, seeing the buildings illuminated in the night sky and admiring the diverse art that was exhibited. You always wonder how a kid is going to interact with art, especially art that was essentially created by grown-ups for grown-ups. There were not many children at this event which became apparent at all of the looks they received! I love kids, the way they think, and the way they look at this crazy world! I suppose there could be no better medium that painting, drawing, sculpture or music as a form of expressing their feelings since words rarely convey what a young child really truly means to say. We really ought to create more of an outlet for children to be creative and not so incredibly tied to all these exams, homework and grades at such a young age.


Autumn is in bed now, tired and asleep. We will have a blood draw tomorrow…I’m sure she’ll be thrilled when I have to announce that. Hopefully all will look good and we can continue with this chemo schedule…to forge ahead and make it through the next 10 weeks!!