Mommy, what does it mean, “she lost fighting cancer”? God I had a hard time explaining this concept gently this morning, especially without flooding and losing it entirely. Kids have a funny way of asking about curiosities, just when you think they are not thinking about anything of the sort, they bring up such incredibly profound thoughts. She was referring to a little girl she had seen on a TV show the other night who didn’t make it. I tried to explain to her that this little girl had a very strong form of cancer that was too strong for the little girl’s body. I did say to Autumn that the kind she has is a lot easier to get rid of, we know more about its nature. She never really asked more than that, but I spent the whole rest of today contemplating every angle.

Autumn has been so happy, so back to herself this week, that is the good news! It has been a fabulous few days, so very enjoyable. She is dancing around the house, being silly, no sign of being tired or sick or any of that. What a treasure to relish in these moments, they are fleeting, but so is life, so I am just going to take pleasure in each day.

As we left the hospital today, there was a little girl in a wheelchair being wheeled to her car. Autumn looked and her and sighed, “Why does she still have hair”? Her interpretation of a child in a hospital must mean that they have cancer and they will lose their hair like she did. It is amazing the way in which kids identify themselves, isn’t it?

We had to have blood drawn again today, to see where we are. Her counts were good, but not as high as they would like them to be for another round of yucky chemo. She will have another week to rest; I cannot say I am too bummed about that!

We have been having a great weekend! Today, Autumn was able to see Cailin, one of her very best friends. We meet Auntie Alex and her family, Kristine and her family at a restaurant in Solvang for a bite to eat and some fun times. I can hardly believe that all of our kids are getting so big, where has the time gone??

On Friday, Autumn spent the day with grandpa, they have such a sweet relationship! It is wonderful that she loves to visit my mom and Ken (grandpa), it can give me a little time since Autumn isn’t really able to go to preschool right now. I cannot imagine how different life will feel a year from now when she is in kinder!

Tomorrow we are off to Sierra again for another blood check, a quick and easy visit (as long as we bring our own Heparin (something needed to prevent coagulation in the line). For some reason it takes an hour to have the nurses order it up…at least I CAN bring it! If the counts are great, then we’ll move into this week’s chemo. If the counts are still low, we will wait one more week.

Part of me wants to just get this over with; this will be the fourth LONG week from a total of five, HOORAY! But part of me realizes that after this week, Autumn will have to endure weeks of transfusions and fevers, it’s terrible, agonizing! I am trying to see the light…it’s there I know it is! It is slightly filtered at the moment, but it’s better than darkness.

After bringing Sage and Lindsey to their second day of school this year, we headed over to the hospital (Sierra in SLO)for a blood draw. Autumn was a lot more upset about this trip than I would have guessed. She cried and said she really REALLY wanted to go to Cottage. Not here, not this hospital, not to see the lady with dark mess hair (couldn’t figure out which one that was). We had a home health nurse come by one time who was a mess, and I think when Autumn becomes upset, she reverts back to feelings she had over “that” lady, and transposes them onto anyone or any situation she finds unpleasant. I don’t blame her, I’d be pretty pissed off too if someone kept messing with my body like that! Almost as if there is this creul institution of ugliness out there that is after Autumn, and she knows, she’s onto them and can’t figure out why we are all allowing for this to happen! I wish I could have kept that damn tumor in a jar, so that she could really visualize what went on and why she must endure this viciousness. She has asked about it, that attacker of her kidney, so I think it wouldn’t be the worst thing to see, I would like to see it too, and give it my two cents!

The fabulous news today came after the results of the blood draw.

Hemoglobin: 10.4 (greater than 7 is doing well!)
White blood cells: 1000 (anything above 750 is good)
Plateletes: 26 (above 20 is doing well)

We needed NO TRANSFUSIONS today! So, that’s the good news, but the other side of the equation measures the time to her next chemo, this one will be another week long one too. It should happen in a week, to give her body some more time to recover, regenerate.

Autumn was also able to see her preschool teacher for a moment today, just to say hello! She really misses her class, her friends and of course her teacher. It was a treat!

Autumn has been doing so well the past two days! The only difficult part has been her patience. I know her little body must feel so ravaged that it just doesn’t even understand HOW to react to something, so she occasionally explodes, over the smallest thing. It can be a towel, something she is eating, something her sister said, just about anything can cause her to become really upset in a matter of milliseconds. I know at that moment she must be feeling miserable, how I just want to take that away.

School began today for Sage and Lindsey, what a treat for them and for us. They love their teachers and they are so excited to learn new things!!

Tomorrow Autumn and I will go in for another blood draw, to see where her levels are taking her this week…let’s hope for the best!

“Oh, I feel so bad for Washington”, Autumn whispered as we played on the hospital bed playing with dollar bills and coins this morning, waiting for her blood to be drawn. “Why is that?” I asked her. “Well, he died, and that’s sad.” I explained that it is sad when people die and that President Washington lived a LONG time ago and he would be over 200 years old if he were still alive today. This conversation made me realize that she must think more about her own mortality than I may realize, even if she doesn’t say anything about it. What on earth must be inside her head? She is overall a very happy girl, but sometimes I can just see this whole damn thing wearing on her, like when will it end? As if somehow she knows she was dealt a rotten hand and just can’t understand why this is happening to her, why she is different. In the beginning the effects of the chemo weren’t as obvious, but as time goes on, she does seem more delicate and it makes every emotion more potent, more frustrating.

Mrs. Dottie, Autumn’s preschool teacher, was able to come and visit her in the hospital yesterday, it was wonderful!! She brought games to play and a picture of her whole preschool class. Last year, at the tail end of the school year, Autumn just wasn’t able to attend her class anymore. Upon seeing the kids the first time I walked into the classroom, I fell apart. It was so sweet to see all of their little faces, but it also reminded me of what Autumn was missing, she loves being social and I could tell it was tough for her not to be there with her friends.

Regarding preschool, we are hoping we can make it every once in awhile this coming year, to say hello and have the kids remember who she is! Mrs. Dottie, the director as well as the 3-year old teacher is just amazing, she is so willing to work with us and with Autumn, we are very grateful for her!

My spirits are up when are Autumn's! I feel so terrible when her little body has to work so hard to put itself back together, it is torturous to visualize. Sometimes I feel so numb to it all because it is just so overwhelming. It will end soon, a bit more than three months to go. Once we can move through another week-long chemo (perhaps in 2 weeks), we will only have one to go! I realize the recovery will be longer and more arduous each time, but one more down is ONE MORE DOWN, I’m staying focused on that right now.