Wednesday, February 29, 2012

“Mom, I’m kind of learning how to rap, can I take a rap class?” How incredibly cute that would be to see little Autumn on stage rapping! She could tell the world about her life and everything she’s survived last year, maybe her sisters can help her write a little something…hmm…

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Her sweet, soft, perfect head is sprouting the most luscious carpet of fluffy hair! At first it seems quite dark, but as the days pass and the sun shines, each strand slowly lightens. I am sure it won’t be as blonde as it once was, but I can hardly wait to see what it will be.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Oh, what a wonderful, WONDERFUL day!!! As many of you are already aware, Autumn had a CLEAR SCAN today, it was such a relief to hear. We had her end-of-chemo party in the clinic today with pizza and a beautiful chocolate cake!

Monday, February 20, 2012

We are having a great time in LA with Uncle Adam, Auntie Alma and baby Camy! Headed to the children's museum today, so fun for all the kids. We are planning to wake up early tomorrow, at about 5 or so to head to SB for Autumn's first post-chemo scan. Please everyone keep her in your thoughts and prayers!!!

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Lexi's funeral is today at 11, I am obsessed with the thought of her.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Today was one of the roughtest I have encountered in a long time. The social worker at the hospital called today to let me know that a very dear little friend of Autumn's had passed, she was only 3 years old. I could hardly breathe; I don't think I have ever cried so hard in my entire life. I cried for this sweet, innocent little girl, I cried for Autumn, I cried for the woman I read about in the paper today who is struggling with her third recurrence of cancer. Life can be so unfair.

I can hardly believe it, she was one of the most amazing little girls I have ever met. Where do I begin to describe who she was? She had endured so very much at such an incredibly young age, but like Autumn, persevered through it all with boundless energy and often a huge smile. She and Autumn had shared the same hospital room a few months ago. I did know then that she was struggling, her battle was still in motion, but she appeared so incredibly healthy, so strong that I felt in my heart of hearts there was nothing to worry about, I felt like she was going to be ok. I cannot imagine her mom, that feeling has overwhelmed me the entire day and I just cannot fathom it. The social worker said she was numb, the whole family is numb and how could it be otherwise? I JUST SAW HER! That’s what I cannot let go of, less than two months ago the girls played together and it just felt good, I never once worried that she wouldn’t make it, she always seemed to very healthy, even when I knew there was concern for her. She had leukemia and although most of the more common type of leukemia has an incredible success rate, she had a more rare form. Fear turns to doubt so easily and gives way to the unpleasantness of life, the dark side, the part we don’t understand, the part we all know is our destiny but have no notion of what it will be. I find in incredible that we all live here on this planet, sometimes for almost a century, planning and sorting and learning and creating, knowing it is all fleeting. If that is true, then why do we take it all so seriously? Perhaps it is because we know no other way and it may be one thing we feel we can control.

Jeff and I decided it was a good idea not to tell Autumn right away. Her spirits are so high and the news may just crush her even though she may not fully understand what it all means. I know how empty I felt when I heard, how incredibly hard it is to take news like that, I cannot imagine what effects it may have on the psyche of a child.

It can only be one more reminder to all of us to live a happy life, a loving life, a good life, a fulfilled life, and nothing less.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

“Oh that stuff makes you feel really bad, doesn’t it?” Autumn said as she leaned over the chair seated next to our neighbor at the Cancer Care Clinic. “I remember just how it made my nose feel terrible, eeewww, does it do that to you too?” she questioned. “Not so much” said Carie, “I don’t feel a thing in my nose, but my whole body feels bad.” “I know, I remember” whispered Autumn as she stared intensely at the steel casing around the machine delivering Carie’s chemo directly into the vein on her right arm.

Although Carie didn’t need a port, the effects are still the same, loss of hair, losing weight and tons of frustration with life. I made a quick trip to the grocery store while Autumn stayed with her to talk, she was fascinated.

Monday, February 13, 2012

We have a date set for Autumn’s first post-chemo scan – February 21st followed by a fiesta. It seems so long ago now that we celebrated her birthday and end-of-chemo, but it was merely one month. Tom Petty said is accurately, “the waiting is the hardest part”. If you have a moment to think of Autumn this week, please send her the most positive vibes you can!

Thursday, February 9, 2012

“Is this my real hair?? Not a wig?!” The excitement was mounting, the feeling that she is going to be herself again was sweet and wonderful! It has been a very fun week seeing the small hairs sprout through Autumn’s perfect little head…

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Our initial response to an experience can often be so profoundly different than how it feels after it has been absorbed for a period of time. This past month has been a lot like that. I feel as though we are floating in space…waiting…

Autumn will most likely have her first post-chemo scan next week. Part of me cannot wait to have something in hand that shows she looks fabulous inside, but I would be lying if I said I wasn’t frightened.

Friday, February 3, 2012

On the way to school this morning, the sun filtered through the car window onto the soft fluff garnishing her sweet head, wonderful peach fuzz! Her hair has begun to grow in the past, inbetween chemo rounds, but this is something different, and it’s everywhere! 

Images of Autumn with beautiful long hair came to mind and I imagined her going to school with Sage and Lindsey next year, a new life for a little girl who has gone through so much. It can be a new beginning, a wonderful happy new life!

They say those things that don’t destroy you make you stronger; she has undoubtedly a very strong spirit that will surely assist her throughout her entire life. I consider how different this whole experience has made her, will make her and how that will affect her future decision making abilities. Now that she has seen the dark side of life I wonder if she will be able to live more lightly. A gift that no parent would give willingly to their own child that may have unforeseen benefits for years to come.

It was about a year ago that Autumn fell in the beauty school where I was having my hair cut. My sense of time has been so distorted this past year and I am surprised how fast it seems to have gone now that it is in the past. It is similar to the last few months of pregnancy. Huge and uncomfortable, you cannot wait to have the baby, but about a month after giving birth, it seems as though that story belonged to someone else. I am beginning to feel this same distance and it feels good.