Today was one of the roughtest I have encountered in a long time. The social worker at the hospital called today to let me know that a very dear little friend of Autumn's had passed, she was only 3 years old. I could hardly breathe; I don't think I have ever cried so hard in my entire life. I cried for this sweet, innocent little girl, I cried for Autumn, I cried for the woman I read about in the paper today who is struggling with her third recurrence of cancer. Life can be so unfair.
I can hardly believe it, she was one of the most amazing little girls I have ever met. Where do I begin to describe who she was? She had endured so very much at such an incredibly young age, but like Autumn, persevered through it all with boundless energy and often a huge smile. She and Autumn had shared the same hospital room a few months ago. I did know then that she was struggling, her battle was still in motion, but she appeared so incredibly healthy, so strong that I felt in my heart of hearts there was nothing to worry about, I felt like she was going to be ok. I cannot imagine her mom, that feeling has overwhelmed me the entire day and I just cannot fathom it. The social worker said she was numb, the whole family is numb and how could it be otherwise? I JUST SAW HER! That’s what I cannot let go of, less than two months ago the girls played together and it just felt good, I never once worried that she wouldn’t make it, she always seemed to very healthy, even when I knew there was concern for her. She had leukemia and although most of the more common type of leukemia has an incredible success rate, she had a more rare form. Fear turns to doubt so easily and gives way to the unpleasantness of life, the dark side, the part we don’t understand, the part we all know is our destiny but have no notion of what it will be. I find in incredible that we all live here on this planet, sometimes for almost a century, planning and sorting and learning and creating, knowing it is all fleeting. If that is true, then why do we take it all so seriously? Perhaps it is because we know no other way and it may be one thing we feel we can control.
Jeff and I decided it was a good idea not to tell Autumn right away. Her spirits are so high and the news may just crush her even though she may not fully understand what it all means. I know how empty I felt when I heard, how incredibly hard it is to take news like that, I cannot imagine what effects it may have on the psyche of a child.
It can only be one more reminder to all of us to live a happy life, a loving life, a good life, a fulfilled life, and nothing less.