“Oh, I feel so bad for Washington”, Autumn whispered as we played on the hospital bed playing with dollar bills and coins this morning, waiting for her blood to be drawn. “Why is that?” I asked her. “Well, he died, and that’s sad.” I explained that it is sad when people die and that President Washington lived a LONG time ago and he would be over 200 years old if he were still alive today. This conversation made me realize that she must think more about her own mortality than I may realize, even if she doesn’t say anything about it. What on earth must be inside her head? She is overall a very happy girl, but sometimes I can just see this whole damn thing wearing on her, like when will it end? As if somehow she knows she was dealt a rotten hand and just can’t understand why this is happening to her, why she is different. In the beginning the effects of the chemo weren’t as obvious, but as time goes on, she does seem more delicate and it makes every emotion more potent, more frustrating.
Mrs. Dottie, Autumn’s preschool teacher, was able to come and visit her in the hospital yesterday, it was wonderful!! She brought games to play and a picture of her whole preschool class. Last year, at the tail end of the school year, Autumn just wasn’t able to attend her class anymore. Upon seeing the kids the first time I walked into the classroom, I fell apart. It was so sweet to see all of their little faces, but it also reminded me of what Autumn was missing, she loves being social and I could tell it was tough for her not to be there with her friends.
Regarding preschool, we are hoping we can make it every once in awhile this coming year, to say hello and have the kids remember who she is! Mrs. Dottie, the director as well as the 3-year old teacher is just amazing, she is so willing to work with us and with Autumn, we are very grateful for her!
My spirits are up when are Autumn's! I feel so terrible when her little body has to work so hard to put itself back together, it is torturous to visualize. Sometimes I feel so numb to it all because it is just so overwhelming. It will end soon, a bit more than three months to go. Once we can move through another week-long chemo (perhaps in 2 weeks), we will only have one to go! I realize the recovery will be longer and more arduous each time, but one more down is ONE MORE DOWN, I’m staying focused on that right now.