Friday, July 8, 2011

We were finally able to leave the hospital at about 7:30pm Wednesday night. Poor thing, she was exhausted, as well as Sage and Lindsey and Uncle Bob and Aunt Janet (troopers!!!). I know Autumn loves the support, but those days can just be long, there is just no way around that.

Autumn took a good long nap after all of her nasty chemo, she was more than exhausted! She was sleeping for about 2 hours and needed every bit of it! However, when she woke up, she was feeling terrible and didn't know how to express herself, I can only imagine what must she must be feeling inside. Sometimes, as weird as it sounds, I wish I could take just one dose of that crap, to really feel what she is feeling, because I have no idea, and it makes the whole process feel even more uncontrollable and all the less comforting.

Immediately she needed to use the bathroom as she had been hydrated with bags and bags of saline for the past 6 hours. While she was peeing, with a puffy, sweet face, she looked at me and said, "Mommy, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to have cancer." Oh my god, can a mother feel any more pain and saddness???? I completely lost it! There I was, balling, hugging her, in the bathroom feeling as though I SHOULD be able to do something for her. I told her over and over again that there was NOT A THING that she could have done to prevent this, it was out of any of our control. It was a terrible feeling and I wanted nothing less than to give her so much love and make it all GO AWAY! It still feels surreal, moments like that make it all feel like a dream which of course we all wish was true.

The good news is that we DID make it to Knott's Berry Farm the next day. The big girls had a lot of ideas of big scarry rides, some of which they were able to encourage Jannie Pie to join them!

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